


If I loved you

by CommanderInChief



Category: Holby City
Genre: Carousel (1945), F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:24:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6858610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderInChief/pseuds/CommanderInChief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wine and violins can do strange things to one's heart rate. Serena learnt that lesson the hard way. </p><p> Based on that tweet from Catherine Russell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RightHandWoman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RightHandWoman/gifts).



The muffled tapping at the consultancy office window was easy enough for Bernie to ignore. So far, she’d had just short of a dozen people - most of which she’d never spoken to outside of ordering med doses or suction in theatre - come to ‘just check that she’s okay’ in the hope of getting some new update for the local gossip mill. After the eleventh she’d locked locked the door, wrestled the blinds shut and found some paperwork that she could pretend would keep her mind off things until she could go home and sleep. Well, by home, she meant her rented flat and by sleep, she meant downing something strong enough to use as insecticide until she was too far gone to think but it was close enough. 

Yet, two minutes later, when the knocking still hadn’t stopped, her patience was beginning to wear thin. Rubbing her temples, she was about to open the door and tell whatever trainee nurse was standing outside to shove her ‘professional concerns’ somewhere that the sun didn’t shine when the rattling was accompanied by a voice “I know you’re trying to sulk in there - but this is my office too so could you please open the door before I have to get Dr. Griffin to kick it down for me,”

Serena. 

Bernie should’ve guessed that she’d be back for bollocking round two at some point. 

After savouring her last moment of peace, the blonde let her pen drop onto the wedge of forms with a muffled ‘thud’ before pushing herself out of the chair.

Then, preparing herself for heavy-fire, she opened the door on the latch. 

Serena’s frown was unmistakable, her lips drawn into a straight, thin line. Over a few seconds of tense silence, she took in her collegue. Shoulders hunched together. The corners of her mouth dropping with gravity. Purple-blue bags hanging under tinged red eyes. Serena tilted, her head slightly to the side, the edges of her mouth fading into a slight softer curve. “Ah - I thought so,” 

“Serena - if you’ve got something to say to me, just say it,” 

More for Bernie’s benefit, she openly looked her up and down with raised eyebrows, her whole head nodding as she did so. “You look like you’ve just woken up after a night out with the F1’s,” 

“And if I had, it’d be none of your business. You’ve made it quite clear where you stand when it comes to my private life,”

“Well, as much as you are a cheating scum-of-the-earth, I do realise how lonely this hospital can be without an ally,” 

Bernie didn’t smile “I need to get back to my work,”

“What you need is a good cry, some scotch and a hug. I can offer you the latter two and I’m pretty sure here isn’t the best place for the former,” 

“I’m fine.” 

“And I’m Angelina Jolie, come on, I’m taking you home before you even think about going home and being fine over that husband of yours. My shift ended half an hour ago and quite frankly, I think you’ve got bigger things to worry about than someone complaining about you abandoning yours,” 

\--- 

“Crap...Crap...Crap... Who actually watches these things is beyond me,” commented Serena, dryly as she flicked through the far side of the channel menu, wine in one hand and TV remote in the other.

Bernie took a long sip from her glass, as easily as if it had been water “What was that one a second ago?” 

She clicked back a couple of channels “Carousel, now that brings me back to secondary school - for some reason completely beyond me, they decided to ca-,” Her voice trailed off when she realised that Bernie, for all her starring, wasn’t taking in a word she’d said “What is it?”

She smiled too quickly, putting her now empty glass on the lamp table next to the bottles “Must be the drink catching up with me,” 

“Hmmm,” 

There was a long pause, as the two found themselves openly staring at one another from opposite ends of the sofa. The film changed into the opening chords of a new song.

If I loved you…. 

Serena was the first to look away. 

Then, out of nowhere, “Dance with me,” 

“Oh, go on then,” Serena downed the rest of drink before slamming it down on the table like a particularly middle-class shot. Dutch courage. “I must warn you though,” she continued, with the beginnings of a teasing smile “No funny business,” 

Bernie’s face fell like she’d just been slapped.

Something fell in the pit of Serena’s stomach. Her smile drained away “Sorry - that was uncalled for,”

Her colleague exhaled as if smoking as invisible cigarette, her eyes still didn’t venture up to meet the brunette’s “Doesn’t matter - just a taster of what’s to come, I suppose,”

“Ah,” It was a weak response but, honestly, it was the best she could come up with. In the background, the song wasn’t yet half way through. Over the slow bowing of violins, she could make out the characters idly discussing the trees before the music picked up again. She smiled insincerely at the coffee table before looking up at Bernie “How about that dance you promised me?”

It didn't occur to her to ask where and how Bernie learnt to lead a waltz as they slowly twirled across her living room, close enough to feel the her heartbeat, slightly too fast from the wine. When the music paused, they came to a rest. The air tasted of alcohol and shampoo and something else that Serena couldn’t quite break down in elements. Over Bernie's shoulder, the blonde on the screen leaned into a kiss. She made the mistake of looking away into the eyes of the one in her arms. And slowly, as if it were the role she'd been cast to play all along, she closed her eyes and pushed herself onto her tiptoes to reach Bernie's lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Being single, Serena Campbell was pretty much used to waking up alone. So much so that it wasn’t until she was making her bed that she noticed.

 

The duvet had been straightened, the wine glasses washed and yesterday’s clothes folded neatly on her chest of draws. Only one detail was left to betray the night before. 

 

Her pillow smelt unmistakably of Bernie Wolfe. 

 

She closed her eyes. It was almost possible to feel skilled fingers laced into her own, drink in good wine as it tasted on soft lips. And hear her laugh, uncharacteristically nervous as she lead her upstairs, like a song on repeat. 

 

Yet, when she opened her eyes, the alcohol throbbed at the back of her skull and the laughter was lost in the 5am stillness. Not only had she slept with her best friend but she’d left her, in the middle of the night, leaving nothing but a hint of sickly vanilla perfume behind her. 

 

It was going to be a long morning. 

 

\---

  
  
  


Although, as it turned out, it wan’t until just after lunch that Serena next saw Bernie. She was wearing the same clothes as the night before. Strands of straw-blonde hair fell around her face at odd angles as opposed to their usual curl and, even from the other side of the room, Serena noticed the dark purple rings still hanging under her eyes. 

 

Raf cleared his throat. “Serena? You look a bit-” He followed her gaze over his shoulder “Oh, I’ll umm… Give you a minute,” With a smile that he knew she wouldn’t register, he held the clipboard to his chest and made a B-line for the AAU, leaving the two consultants locked in a mexican stand-off of stares. 

 

Serena moved first, half walking half marching across the ward.  

 

“What happened this morning? And don’t  _ even try  _ to tell me that you were paged because I know for a fact that Jac was drafted in last night,” 

 

Bernie stopped, swallowed, her eyes skimming from one end of the ward floor to the other before finally resting on her shoes. “I wasn’t paged - there, happy?”

 

Despite everything, Serena wasn’t immune to the . She blinked until the ward went out of focus. Bright white light. Beeping. Antiseptic. “Is this all I am to you? I can understand no-strings but aren’t I even worth a goodbye?” 

 

“Serena-”

 

“No, I’m better than this. Just because I… Just because we…”

 

“I can explain!” Bernie’s voice carried across the ward. Had it not been for the low humming of machinery, you would’ve been able to hear a needle drop. Neither woman turned around but everyone was looking. The blonde took a deep breath. When she next spoke it wasn’t a whisper but the softer, quieter tone was more easily disguised under the constant murmur of the hospital moving around them “Just not here. Why don’t we go into your office, talk in peace,” 

 

Serena opened her mouth to protest. She wasn’t in the mood for excuses. Yet, when Bernie’s hand slipped into hers, it was by instinct that her feet didn’t hesitate to follow. 

 

Only when Bernie had the two of them safely didn’t away in the AAU consultancy office, door locked and blinds still slatted shut from the night before did either of them speak. 

 

“Look, Serena, I’m sorry for leaving you like that this morning, it was… well, it’s the sort of thing Marcus would’ve done,”   
  


“But?” Serena challenged. She’d been here before. The regret. The mistake. The  _ we can still be friends _ . She blinked. Her throat was already raw. 

 

If Bernie noticed, she didn’t comment “Alex Dawson,” The word was left to stew for a minute “I loved her,” She inhaled deeply, her eyes floating up to the mysterious stain on the ceiling. Serena’s followed. Cake, by the look of it, however that got there. 

 

“I…  _ still _ love her. I like you Serena, of course I do, since the day we met there was…  _ something  _ but I’m just not there yet. I’m not ready for another relationship, with anyone.

 

How about we just keep all this madness quiet for a bit? See where it goes?” 

 

Her expression, wide-eyed and lips parted, was almost enough to make her give in. 

 

Maybe it would’ve been if she hadn’t recognised it from the night before, just as their lips slowly...

 

Serena glared as the blonde came into harsh focus and for a moment, everything was still. 

 

She snapped her wrist out of Bernie’s grip. 

 

“Forgive me, but I’m already rather tired of being your dirty little secret - I think we both know that I deserve better,” 

 

And, for the second time that week, she turned and left through a chorus of stares, head held high. 

 

_ Now all she needed was for her stinging eyes to get the message.  _


End file.
